Going Through A Divorce As A Christian

Nobody plans to get divorced. Not especially for a Christian.

When I found out that my ex-husband was cheating on me and he was unrepentant, we decided to get separated first. We did this because we couldn’t sell our home at that time without making a huge loss.

My care group (cell group) was the first group of friends I shared this with. Then they threw me these Bible verses…

"For I hate divorce!" says the LORD, the God of Israel…” (Malachi 2:16)

“A wife must not separate from her husband. But if she does, she must remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband.” (1 Corinthians 7:10-11)

Then they went on to share about other married friends they knew indirectly whose spouses had been unfaithful but they stayed married for the sake of their children and to stay true to their marriage vows.

Instead of support, I felt discouraged.

I’m not one who’d share about my troubles with even the people in my inner circle. I’d usually suffer in silence first. It’s not until I’ve gone through my grief or made up my mind about something that I’d start opening up.

So if I was at the stage of sharing with my care group friends, it meant that careful consideration had already been made.

I didn’t need anyone to persuade me to stay married. I didn’t need anyone to Bible-bash me and remind me I’d be a greater sinner. I just needed my friends.

When I shared about my situation with another close friend, she told me that maybe I could try harder to reconcile with my husband. She even reminded me that the orthodox church we’re attending does not allow divorce because it’s a sin. And if it’s a sin, it means I won’t be able to receive the Holy Communion.

I was heartbroken. Not for my marriage. But for the lack of empathy I was getting from my friends.

To protect my sanity and avoid further self-condemnation, I eventually made the difficult decision a few months later to take a break from my care group meetings.

I also gradually stopped attending church alone because I knew I couldn’t receive the Holy Communion. In addition, I felt like an outcast because everyone there would be attending either with their families or their partners.

Many months later, I caught up with a girl friend who’s also a Christian and found out that she’s also separated from her husband.

She then told me that she’s in a support group for Christian women who’re separated and invited me to one of their meetings.

But when I attended that meeting, I discovered that these women gather to make a stand for marriage despite being separated or divorced from their husbands.

The basis of their stand was for the above 2 verses mentioned plus the following verse…

“Such a person is double-minded and unstable in all they do.” (James 1:8)

The women there shared that God never meant for people to be divorced. The only reason He offered a pardon was because the people were too stubborn as mentioned in Matthew 19:3-9. So to stay true to God’s ultimate purpose and not be double-minded, they started this group.

I didn’t return to this group. It wasn’t because I planned to remarry. I just didn’t want to be constantly reminded of my sin of breaking my marriage vows.

Putting Back The Pieces

I eventually felt better and returned to my care group after taking about a 6-month break.

When I returned to the meeting, my friends apologised for how they responded so apathetically with no regard to the grief and betrayal I was feeling then. Instead of simply loving me as a friend, they became like Job’s friends. Acting all religious and critical.

Then about 2 years later, my close friend whom I mentioned above told me she’ll be divorcing her husband whom she found cheating. Although I was initially shocked, because they seemed like the model couple I dreamed of becoming, I quickly got into her corner. I offered 100% of my support.

I wholeheartedly loved and encouraged her during that difficult season until she was well again. In fact, she healed so well that she got remarried after about 2 years! And I wasn’t even in any serious relationship yet!

It took me quite a while but I did eventually remarry. You could read about it in my book.

Every once in a while, I might meet someone who doesn’t really know me yet who’d talk about this verse…

“Everyone who divorces his wife and marries another commits adultery, and he who marries a woman divorced from her husband commits adultery.” (Luke 16:18)

To save them from embarrassment, I’d quickly interject and tell them I was divorced and have remarried.

Then I’d explain how I reconciled with this verse.

We’re aware that adultery is a sin. Then what about pornography? What about covetousness? What about complaining? What about gossip?

If these too are sins, what makes adultery so much more sinful that the people involved have to be ostracised?

I do not condone adultery or any other sin. Neither does Jesus.

Christianity is not a religion. It's a relationship. If our spouse says something negative about us, does that mean he/she has stopped loving us? Of course not! The security of our relationship is based on what we already know about our spouse as an entirety.

Just think about why Jesus would take a longer route to pass through Samaria just to talk to one Samaritan woman who had 5 husbands and was still living with a man who's not her husband. Why did He offer her His living water if He thought she's so sinful beyond redemption?

Instead, this woman felt His love so intensely that it caused her to become the first Samaritan witness!

She's no longer bothered about what people were saying about her lifestyle. She was only focused on Jesus' love for her.

And that's how I feel. Because no matter how big I think my sin is, I know that my Saviour is bigger than my sin!

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