40 Years Later, I Finally Met the Family I Never Knew

As my parents were divorced since I was 2, I don’t have much memory of being with my father’s side of the family. I only knew I had quite a few aunts, uncles and cousins, and vaguely remembered selected names of my cousins.

My mum told me that my dad had married the woman whom he was seeing while they were still married and had children with his new wife. I think my mum might have told me this hoping that I’d see him in a more negative light. But somehow, this didn’t make me love him any less.

I was still always thrilled whenever my dad would pick me up from school or the nanny’s home to go out, even though it’s probably just once or twice a year. We’d never talk about his new family or his side of the family.

I did remember that when I was still in primary school (between 7 to 12 years old), my paternal grandmother would ask me out together with my mum. My mum’s presence was necessary because my grandmother only spoke in the Chinese Teochew dialect, but I didn’t. So mum became the translator.

In secondary school (between 13 to 16 years old), my dad told me that my 2 cousin brothers were in the same school as me. They were my seniors.

We eventually figured out who we were but none of us approached one another to acknowledge our relations. I guess being a teenager was a very confusing time, so we probably didn’t want to make things more awkward by acknowledging one another, probably for fear that we’d reject the other.

When I was still in my 30s, I got a call from one of my aunts that my dad died suddenly due to a heart attack.

The wake was held at his family home. So I went there and met his second wife, my half brother and half sister for the first time. I could really see the resemblance of my half brother to my dad. It was all rather surreal.

Perhaps it was all in my imagination, but I sensed that my half siblings wanted to keep a distance from me. I completely understood this. We’re practically strangers.

My dad’s second wife had a daughter, Fiona from her previous relationship. She was, on the other hand, refreshingly friendly. So I was thankful that there was still a friendly face during the whole funeral procession.

I also met all my other uncles, aunts and cousins whom I haven’t seen for almost all my life. We didn’t get to chat much due to the sensitivity of those circumstances.

You see, before I showed up, the family only had to plan for my dad’s remaining immediate family members of 4. With me in the picture, they wanted to be mindful of my desire to also give him a send-off as his firstborn child, without diminishing the grief of the rest.

Perhaps due to my grief, I felt like the whole ordeal went by in a blur. I still don’t remember much from it.

As my little act of holding out an olive branch, I found Fiona on Facebook after the funeral and she accepted my Friend Request.

We were able to briefly see what’s been happening in each other’s lives through Facebook but didn’t initiate any conversations.

Then about 11 years after my dad’s passing, on the first day of Chinese New Year, I was browsing through Facebook and saw Fiona post about her grandmother going to Emergency department.

I then realised that her grandmother is also mine, and she’s still alive!

I immediately sent a message via the Facebook Messenger to Fiona asking if our grandmother is alright. She replied promptly saying that she had just been discharged in the morning and was resting (they lived together).

After pondering for a short while, I asked her if I could visit her. Fiona replied that I should visit them the next day because all our other relatives would also be visiting to celebrate Chinese New Year with our grandmother.

I thought this was the perfect occasion for a more positive reunion!

When I reached my late dad’s home the next day with my husband, most of my relatives were already there. I was surprised that they gave me a warm welcome. My uncles and aunts seemed quite excited to see me again.

Apparently, I have 3 uncles, 3 aunts, and I lost count on the number of cousins I have spread across the world!

My grandmother was 101 years old by then. It took her a while to remember who I was, but she eventually did.

A few months later, I was surprised to receive an invitation from one of my aunts to celebrate my grandmother's 102nd birthday.

I met even more of my extended paternal relatives because apparently, my grandfather had 2 wives!

One of my aunts told me that my grandmother already told them how she wanted her funeral to be like when she was in her 80s. She wasn’t sick then but thought it was good for her family to know. Then she continued to live through her 90s.

Among themselves, the family was amazed and wondered what else she could be holding on to in life since she knew that everyone was doing well for themselves.

“I think your grandmother must have been holding on to seeing you once again!” my aunt told me.

I’m not too sure about that, but I was heartened.

About 4 months after her 102^nd birthday, my grandmother passed on.

In Closing

The reality of such reunions could be far from a ‘happily ever after’ we imagined.

Relationships are complex. We might not be strangers anymore, but we’re also unlike the family we grew up with.

It would be nice to have gotten to know my half siblings a little better, but I also understand the apprehension.

So I’ve decided that I’ll stay open and take our time.

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