How The World Guilts Women Into Having Babies

Blame it on the patriarchal system

As little girls in my country, although we were taught to be smart and independent, we were also expected to be married and have children of our own when we come of age.

The ideal age for women to get married then was between 25 to 28. We should also try to have babies before 30.

Soon after getting married for Asians, family and relatives in those days would persistently ask, not 'if' but 'when' we'd have children.

If we replied that we'd like to wait a little while enjoying our married lives, they wouldn't fail to remind us (women) of our ticking biological clocks.

But that looked impossible for me when my first marriage failed at the age of 30.

By that time, women became more successful in our careers. So doctors recommended for us to have babies no later than 35 years old to avoid birth defects and other pregnancy complications.

Eventually, I met a great guy and remarried at the age of 40. This would've brought my probability of having a baby to nada.

But with IVF treatments, we've seen women in their early 40s successfully give birth.

Undergoing the IVF process is not for the faint-hearted. Apart from the physical ‘inconveniences’ women have to go through, we still have to be subjected to an emotional rollercoaster due to the injected hormones or the failed attempts.

Bearing all these in mind, my husband and I decided we won't go with this route. We'd go au naturel and let God decide if we should have our own child.

To our surprise, the state of my womb seemed to be the business of many people around us.

After his wife gave birth to their first child, a guy friend of mine had taken upon himself the responsibility of persuading me to have a baby. Like as if I didn't want one.

I had to remind and emphasise to him my age and the probabilities a few times during that conversation, because he just kept gushing about the joys of parenthood. Like as if I didn't want that.

Then there was this male client who was also trying to convince me to start the 'conceiving process' right away. I told him we had not stopped our 'process' at all and we're still enjoying it. He said this was a serious matter and that we should have a baby as soon as possible due to my age.

When I finally ended the conversation over the phone with this man (politely, no less), looking exasperated, my female colleague commented, "another one of those nosey people who's trying to convince you to have a baby like as if it's their business?" She felt for me.

And I didn't even tell these people about the potential health risks to the mother and/or baby. Or that at my age, I could potentially die while giving birth. These are real fears that people seem to conveniently shove aside and convince women that it'll all be worth it.

But who would be the ones to bear the consequences if the mother dies during childbirth, or if the child turns out to have special needs?

Trying to guilt women in our 20s and 30s to start having babies might be a norm in some cultures, but I think doing this to women in our 40s is simply being cruel.

This idea that a woman’s value or worth is dependent on whether she’s able to bear offspring is like telling the world that ‘my body and life is not mine’. Let’s change the script!

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