Should Christian Wives Complain About Their Husbands?

It didn’t even matter that nowhere in the Bible this was commanded of us.

I was talking to a new younger lady who attended the Women’s social event I was organising a few months ago. My co-organiser, Su and I were impressed that she had no trouble at all finding the venue.

Su and I then jokingly shared that our husbands’ sense of direction weren’t that great, to which this lady responded, “oh, I thought we shouldn’t say negative things about our husbands?”

That wasn’t a question. It felt more like a presumptuous judgement.

She didn’t say she’s a Christian, but Su and I knew she is simply based on that ‘question-statement’ she made.

For as long as I can remember since I became a Christian, I had the impression that a good Christian wife should never say anything negative about her husband.

After I first got married many years ago, our first year was the most blissful.

Then the reality of a boring, lifelong, monogamous relationship set in. I started to wonder if this was what marriage was supposed to be.

When I looked at my girl friends’ marriages, they seemed so wonderful and happy, even after being married for longer than I had. I was the last one to get hitched in my social circle.

I had this girl friend who’s almost like the Proverbs 31 woman. She cooked, cleaned and took care of her family’s every physical, mental, emotional and spiritual needs. She spoke only positive things about her husband.

I wished I could be like her.

I wanted to ask my girl-friends how they maintained the ‘spark’ in their marriages. But before I could ask, they’d go off singing praises and flaunting their husbands’ sweet gestures.

It was intimidating.

So I suffered in silence. Not knowing who I could talk to, since I couldn’t say anything negative about my husband. Marriage counselling was quite a taboo in those days.

A year later, I found out that my husband was cheating on me. I was open to giving him another chance, but he wasn’t willing to change. So we eventually filed for a divorce.

Another year later, I found out that my best friend’s husband was also cheating on her. This was a total surprise to me because they were like the epitome of married couples.

So I wondered if our marriages could’ve turned out differently if we had been more open in sharing about our little struggles in our marriages, instead of incessantly ‘honouring’ our husbands.

After a few years into my 2nd marriage, my husband and I got to know a couple in church who’d been married for over 30 years. We attended their care group where they were the leaders. Let’s call them Adam and Sandra.

If we paid attention to them, we’d observe that they’re quite different in their personalities.

It’s quite entertaining whenever we see Sandra trying to gently tell Adam to do or not do something, then Adam trying to acknowledge her but doing the opposite.

I find it so refreshing to meet a Christian couple who doesn’t make too much effort to portray themselves as a perfect pair. They kept it real.

As the years went on, and we became more comfortable with one another as couples, Sandra would privately share with me about some of the conflicts they had or were still going through.

I finally felt like I didn’t have to measure up to being that Proverbs 31 woman.

Sometimes I’d offer some encouragement to her. Sometimes she’d offer me some encouragement for other issues my husband and I could be facing.

Sometimes we’d share our victories of how our relationships (marriages) have strengthened through the struggles. Sometimes we’d praise each other’s husbands, as a reminder that we’re already so blessed.

I always look forward to catching up one-on-one with Sandra not because it’s a ‘complaining’ session. It’s more because it’s a God-honouring session!

With all that said, I’m not saying that it’s alright to go all out to bash our husbands with our friends.

I only have less than a handful of girl-friends I will share with without judgement depending on the specific areas of my concern.

Whatever flaws of our husbands we choose to air in public would ultimately still reflect on ourselves. So it’s important we exercise Holy discernment on what’s appropriate to share, so that either there’s room for Godly encouragement for ourselves or our friends have the opportunity to be a blessing to us.

Where there is no counsel, the people fall; But in the multitude of counselors there is safety. - Proverbs 11:14

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